For a Jewish boy, the bar mitzvah is a rite of passage. But it can also be a source of anxiety and worry, especially in the run up to the big day. After all, your child will have to get up in front of friends and family and perform specific rituals. What if something goes wrong or your child forgets what to do next? Furthermore, some parents may have mixed feelings about getting too involved during this process.

The good news is that with a little bit of prep, you can prepare your child for his bar mitzvah, which may even give him confidence on the big day. Instead of fumbling through the proceedings, he’ll have a strong grasp of what’s to happen and what’s being asked of him. As a parent, that allows you to be supportive from a distance, knowing that he’s got it.

What’s Expected at a Bar Mitzvah?

While there are certain traditions and similarities that are common to most bar mitzvahs, there’s also a lot of leeway and opportunities to shake things up. That means one particular bar mitzvah may look nothing like another, particularly with a change of venue. Some bar mitzvahs are not much more than a huge blow-out party, while others are more traditional and take place at synagogue — and lean heavily on various rituals and activities.

That said, most bar mitzvahs will have a segment where the child will be expected to lead certain prayers or read from the Torah and Haftarah. They might even have to deliver a sermon, also known as a d’var Torah. Other tasks may not be part of a ceremony at all, such as engaging in a volunteer project, writing a report or attending separate religious services.

The Role of Synagogue

In general, it all depends on your synagogue. If you have any questions about preparing your child for his bar mitzvah, just ask. The actual bar mitzvah date itself will take place on or around your child’s birthday, and it usually depends on the size of the congregation. Larger congregations may have joint services and assign out dates based on need while smaller congregations may be able to accommodate a date request.

Once you get the list of requirements from your synagogue, you’ll want to design a plan for fulfilling them. A child that has a packed schedule and participates in sports and various school activities may find it easier to complete their community service project as much as a year in advance of their bar mitzvah, and it might even make sense to reschedule an early fall bar mitzvah for later in the year in order to avoid spending all summer long preparing.

When helping your child prepare for his bar mitzvah, resist the urge to do all the planning for him. The bar mitzvah is marking his ascendance into adulthood, and it’s only natural that your child should be involved in the decision making process. Giving your child the ability to set his priorities and plan for the lead-up to the big day is part of the process, and you can jump in with guidance where needed.

If you and your family haven’t been going to service regularly, it’s a good idea to start ramping that up for a couple years prior to the bar mitzvah. That way, your child will become familiar with being in synagogue, reciting Hebrew and experiencing more of the types of things that happen at synagogue. During that time you’ll also likely experience a few bar mitzvahs, and that can help everyone — your child included — prepare for the big day.

At service, you can also increase your interactions with the rabbi, cantor or other service leaders to bring your child into the fold and practice the types of things that they’ll be asked to do during their bar mitzvah. 

Determine Your Child’s Strengths and Preferences

It may be your child’s bar mitzvah, but as the parent you’re the expert. If your child is a procrastinator that loves to leave things for the last minute, you may need to optimize their schedule and help them carve out time to prepare. But if they work well independently and love to dig into things, you can give your child a longer leash.

But aside from learning what to do, there are some things that your child won’t be able to do without adequate preparation. If they’ve never really read Hebrew or practiced their synagogue skills, they’ll need to put some time in. This can take place at home or at synagogue, but don’t let them just go through the motions. 

Reading familiar prayers such as the Shema or the Amidah are a good place to start, or you could always challenge your child with some new text that they’re unfamiliar with to test their reading and oral skills. If they have difficulty with certain vowels or telling the difference between similar letters, or even if they have trouble with keeping their place while reading, some extra time up front can make all the difference for the big day.

If much of it is beyond your skill set, one of the best ways to help prepare your child for his bar mitzvah is to arrange for a teacher or tutor to help out. There’s nothing like a crash course in certain activities and traditions to help boost those abilities, especially if only a bit of help is needed. 

If your child has a significant deficit, it’s important to speak with your rabbi or an educator at synagogue on how your child can receive more specialized help. With a severe enough issue, you may want to consider altering the service, delaying it or jumping right into the party without doing the service at all. It’s up to you and your child, and you’re free to handle the situation any way you’d like.

Host Your Child’s Bar Mitzvah With Us

Here at Occasions4.us, we have five fabulous venues to help you throw the big, blow-out party your child deserves. While you’re busy worrying about preparing your child for his bar mitzvah, he and his friends are likely looking forward to the big after party. After the pressures of the ceremony, the party is also a great way for your child to blow off some steam and celebrate his ascendance into adulthood. 

To get started, just request an event proposal and we’ll show you all of your bar mitzvah party options. We know how to do coming-of-age events — reserve your venue today!