How To Successfully Attend a Bat Mitzvah Ceremony
Invited To a Bat Mitzvah? This Is What You Need To Know
Mazel tov! You’ve been invited to bat mitzvahs by a family member or friend. But if you’ve never been to a bat mitzvah ceremony, you may be worried about everything from the right attire to what kind of gift you should bring. Being prepared will make for a better experience as well as being a better guest, so keep reading to find out more about this coming of age celebration.
However, it’s important to note that not every bat mitzvah ceremony is the same. Depending on the denomination — such as Orthodox, Conservative, Reform or others, as well as the specific synagogue’s leadership and customs — services can differ widely. To help you answer some of these questions, lookup the synagogue’s website online to see if they have any additional information. You can also contact the host or whoever invited you for a quick review, but here’s what you should generally expect.
- Venue
Most bat mitzvah ceremonies actually occur during Shabbat services at synagogue. Others take place on Friday night or Saturday afternoon at synagogue, while some ceremonies are held at a different, private venue altogether. Your invitation will tell you where and when you’re expected, and if in doubt you’ll want to confirm that you’ve been invited to a bat mitzvah ceremony, not a bat mitzvah party, which is what usually follows the ceremony.
- Dress
Guests of a bat mitzvah ceremony are expected to dress up for the event. For men, this means a suit or slacks, tie and jacket, while women should wear a dress or formal pantsuit. A more traditional ceremony may require hats or prohibit pants for women, so please check with the host if you have any questions.
- Arrival
While your invitation likely has a start time, bat mitzvah ceremony length varies. The start time usually corresponds with the official start for the weekly Shabbat (Sabbath) service. Family is expected to arrive at the beginning, but many guests and congregants will show up later, even after services have begun. No matter when you arrive, it’s customary to stay until the end, and to continue on to the after-party if you’ve been invited.
- Prayer Shawl
Only Jewish males are required to wear a tallit or prayer shawl at a bat mitzvah ceremony, though certain liberal congregations also require Jewish women to wear one as well. If you don’t practice Judaism you won’t need to know the religious significance, but the tallit is a religious artifact and reminder of the commandments of the Jewish faith. Upon entering synagogue, you may be offered a tallit to wear, but if you feel uncomfortable wearing it you can easily decline.
- Kippah
Whether you call it a kippah or yarmulke (a Yiddish word for head covering), this Jewish head covering is traditionally worn by men during the service, and also by women in more liberal synagogues. Unlike the tallit, it’s not a religious symbol as such, but it instead demonstrates respect to God and to the synagogue. Like removing your hat in church or removing your shoes before entering a mosque, the kippah is a non-denominational sign of respect. Depending on the synagogue, some women will wear hats or a lace head covering, while others may have no specific convention for women. Some bat mitzvah’s will even have custom-made kippahs made for their guests, which is a kind of memento or party favor for you to take with you.
- Sanctity
Like other religious services, it’s important to be respectful during the entire bat mitzvah ceremony and program. Cell phones and other devices should be turned off, and pictures should not be taken. No smoking should occur inside or outside the building, including the entire synagogue grounds. No writing should take place, and during the service you should refrain from speaking or engaging in conversation. While you may notice others breaking some of these rules, as a guest you don’t want to breach decorum, so wait to engage in any prohibited activities until you’ve left.
- Sitting and Standing
While religious services aren’t typically known for their athletic activities, a bat mitzvah ceremony can be filled with frequent sitting and standing. To the uninitiated, it can feel like you’ll never be able to follow along, but it’s easy if you take your cues from the rabbi or the rest of the congregation. Certain bows and other activities may also make an appearance, but because bowing and other activities can be religious acts, you may feel more comfortable standing or sitting during these times.
- Follow Along
Even if you feel completely lost, it can help to follow along in the siddur (prayerbook) or Chumash (Bible) while the bat mitzvah ceremony is underway. Half of the literature is in Hebrew while the other half is in English, which, if nothing else, gives you something to read if the service hits a slow point. Guests are also encouraged to participate in group singing and activities, but don’t feel pressured into doing so.
- Meaning
While it’s possible to go through an entire bat mitzvah ceremony and still not understand what you’re witnessing, it’s easy if you understand the meaning of a bat mitzvah. Literally, bat mitzvah means “daughter of the commandments,” but it really points to a coming of age ceremony that marks the child’s responsibilities as their own person in the eyes of God and the Jewish community. No longer are they the ward of their parents, but an individual that has the power to make their own choices and to be judged by their decisions.
- After the Service
Following the bat mitzvah ceremony, a kiddush or light meal typically follows in a social hall or separate space on the grounds. Another separate party often directly follows the service or takes place later in the evening after sundown since Traditional Jews are not permitted to drive or play music on Shabbat. These parties are typically in much larger venues and may have little to do with the ceremony earlier in the day, but they can be even more important to the birthday girl and her time with friends and a fun night of dancing and other activities such as the chair-hoist and chorus singing you’re likely familiar with.
- Gifts
If you’re attending a bat mitzvah ceremony or after party, it’s customary to bring a gift to the guest of honor. But instead of lugging yours into the synagogue, keep your gift giving to the reception or party where it can be placed on a table with all the other gifts. Your gift should be wrapped with a card or label to signify who it’s from, but after that, all bets are off. That said, consider your audience and the familial nature of the celebration and you’ll have no problem identifying the right gift for the special lady.
Looking for a Venue?
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If you’d like to learn more or schedule a walkthrough for an upcoming bat mitzvah, contact us here.
